No we don't crack and scramble your testicles like those substitutes -- we off you right away. Our baptism into Death really is a Baptism into death. It's the Real Thing -- ain't nothing like the real thing, baby. Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll are drab and really boring until you get the real thing.
Grape juice you say? What kind of exciting variety is that? Here we offer you over 200 ways to kick it and for a special offering we give you the deluxe variety package, where you are sliced , diced, burned churned, mortified, blown into tiny bits, scattered into ashes and utterly vaporized.
Wow! Sounds like fun, doesn't it? Sometimes we evangelize at Disney World and make the Space Coaster into a space toaster. They just line up like sheep; get on the coaster and learn all about religion. The screams are much more realistic and believe me -- going out while you are on top is a heck of a lot better than waiting fifty years for your body to crumble into a sack of shit. Let's face it, at the growing rate of population a nuclear war will be a necessity. Why destroy this lovely planet, when religion can do it so quick and painlessly? Not only that, but religion is environmentally safe. Whether it be ethnic cleansing (and you know we all need that), the sacrilege of elements (like breathing without the proper papers and church sanctions to do so), standing (when all peoples must grovel and crawl), and resucitation (only God is allowed to do that).
By his axe, grappling hook and spike, God, the Crowbar of the universe, smites, bludgeons, maims and hammers (like Jesus) his sons and daughters. After all, don't you want to follow in the footsteps of God's beloved and have others commit suicide on yourself in behalf of God's Great Work? I've got great news for you, in a few years you are going to be as dead as a door nail and there ain't nothing that you can do about it. DEATH SHOULD BE A PLANNED AND WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE. As in the Days of Old when human sacrifice was the only ticket in town, they ganged up in line to have their hearts torn away from them, and that was painful. With certain special techniques we can put your body into an orgastic frenzy just before you sign out -- a thrill of a thousands lifetimes. And it's so Damn easy, a small shock to the temple and zippiti-do-da you're on your way to a brighter perfectly divine better you. SWISH, ALL YOUR TROUBLES ARE BEHIND YOU, YOU GET TO SEE YOUR LOVED ONES, there's a billion dollar bucket of gold, you're made into a perfect child, your dental work is paid for, there is a great big heaven in the sky, plenty of sex drugs and rock and roll, but for you prudes out there we have a special private section of heaven that caters to repressed anal-retentive tyrannical twits like yourself who always have to have it their way at everyone's expense. You see, death is really life and you haven't lived at all until your dead. So what the hell are you waiting for, dweeb? Touch the screen and off yourself right now. Join the overwhelming dead majority, earth is a dreckzine so snuff it. For the Putrid Flesh she stinketh with work and no slack at all -- Make for the Ultimate in Slack. Go to your job, see the boss, tell him to get with the slack and blow his damn brains out, put the throwdown piece in his hands and just before he snuffs tell him you resign. You will have taken just another step in the true and holy path that brings liberty to us all. Remember the imortal words of Thomas Jefferson, if you don't kill yourself now, some rich English bastard will get to you first. Doeth unto him before he doeth unto you.
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